An age old problem with men is not being able to convince the wife they’re busy (whether you are or not).
The main downfall is at the preparation stage and with careful strategic planning you may be able to at least get some of the way.
Let’s face it, even if they stood over you chopping wood for 8 hours, they would still suggest your whole heart was not going into it and old thingies down the roads husband could have made a better job.

Here’s a few ideas…….

1. The Tape Recorder
Over the years these have been used for completely the wrong things, such as recording music etc.
They are a marvel in man’s continuing quest to make the wife think you’re busy.

The next time to actually do some actual work, record yourself doing it.
This can then be played back at normal sound in the room where you are sitting reading the Sunday Paper.

A sound recording of a Railway Station can come in useful. Simply play it in the background when phoning home saying there’s a signal failure at Godsend and it looks like you’re going to be 3 hours late.
This frees you to go and watch the Football Match.

On the latter, be careful. I did something similar once and she saw a photograph of me standing behind the Tonbridge goal in the local paper.
I tell you – it was solitary confinement, one meal a day, a complete ban of going within six feet of the TV Zapper and all my favourites being wiped off the Internet Browser.
I seem to recall this lasted for two and a half years.

2. The Garden
The problem with houses is they have windows and wifes tend to look out of these quite often, especially if you’re supposed to be doing something.
Therefore the solution is not so much to avoid being seen not doing any work, but to avoid being seen out the window atall.
This could be done by buying the wife a box of chocolates which will sit her down by Daytime TV for at least an hour. The downfall is that if you buy her anything – it’s suspicious and not normal.

The best idea of all is to push for a completely concrete slabbed garden with zero maintenance. Although quite costly, you can probably get your moneys worth in less than six months.

3. When they’re out
This is a time you can be at your most inventive, but watch out for the obvious mistakes shown in the photos on this page.
I suggest doing a bit of work (not sufficient to build up any sweat etc), then go to the Bathroom Cupboard and bandage up BOTH hands saying you sprained them moving the Garden Furniture back into the Shed.
It’s no good whatsoever to just bandage one hand – you’ll only get the ‘Well, what’s wrong with the other hand then’ reply.

4. Misc
Put a list of ‘Things to be done’ and tick half of them off.
Smear your hands with dirt or grease and walk back in the house cursing about the car.
When you know she’s looking but thinks you don’t know, limp. Then come in not limping as if you’re brave and don’t want her to know you’re in pain. (Get this wrong and you’re in the spare room).

Never trust any of your neighbours with confidences such as your methods to avoid work. Wifes have a network of ‘insiders’ who will go to any lengths in passing information back.

I’m afraid to say that even if I gathered information on this subject to produce 800 pages, men will never win their battle in deception and must resort themselves to arbitration and hit the right proportionate amounts of general home and garden duties. This means 80% their way and 20% yours – if you’re lucky !

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.