I fully appreciate the risk of this post being viewed by someone of criminal tendancies therefore running the risk of them finding out my address and paying me an unwanted visit.

But, because I know a lot of people respect and appreciate my views on financial matters, I have decided to disclose my wealth and some useful tips on achieving similar heights.

Firstly I should say that my life savings are not lasting long. Every penny of it is to be invested in the Plastic Industry – my new dentures. It would appear that my Financial Adviser (Ron the Cat) ill informed me of my current state of affairs and forgot to mention the Electricity Bill needed paying.

This has left me short, so after consulting my Bank Manager (at present on extended leave due to giving himself a strangulated hernea laughing at my last business plan, which was at least half an A4 piece of paper this time) calculations have gone on through the night and there’s no other option but to take it down to my local Supermarket Establishment and withdraw the funds.

Now you may be stunned at this huge amount (£21.73) and wonder how on earth I have mounted up such a sum. Here are the answers to that…….

1. Place all your 1p, 2p, 5p and 10p coins in a plastic container (make sure it’s plastic or the neighbours may hear).

2. Attempt some odd Euro’s or old Spanish money just to see if you get away with it.

3. Accumulate interest by going around Professional Cricket Grounds after the spectators have gone. A Metal Detector comes in quite useful.

4. If an item you are purchasing ends with 2p on it, don’t give them the 2p. This ensures you get another 8p in your change.

5. Finally, I have to mention security. I find the best place to keep it is under the Bed. This is based on the fact that if a Burglar did look in my room, he’d find so much tatt stored under there, he’d miss the cash.

I hope you have found this information useful. I am currently in the process of writing a Book entitled, ‘Personal Wealth and how to mis-spend it’. This includes Chapters on impulse buying when passing a shop which sells Mint Aero, driving cars at 80mph in third gear on the M3 and going to the local shop for 2lbs of Potatoes and coming back with a 60″ wall mounted Plasma TV.

If you would like to buy a copy of the book, duly signed of course, please send a cheque for only £179.42 to me (or driving around with cash would be better).
I’m sure you will find all two pages quite riveting and won’t be able to put it down.


5 Comments on “My life savings exposed”


By Helen. October 22nd, 2007 at 4:22 pm

will you knock the 42p off for cash?

By ged.. October 22nd, 2007 at 10:47 pm

i dont have savings anymore,two wives and the kids have had the lot!

By Richard . October 23rd, 2007 at 7:15 am

Yes, I will remove the 42p (cash only), but there is an administration charge of £4 for doing so.
On the situation of wive’s and kids, I suggest emigration without telling anyone first.

Richard

By Helen. October 23rd, 2007 at 9:29 am

administration charge of £4 for doing so.

Spoken like a true miser!!!!!

By Richard . October 23rd, 2007 at 6:14 pm

I should add I don’t own a Plasma TV. Mine almost goes back to the coronation. Works better when I kick it.

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