Sometimes in our marraige, our wives will take it upon themselves to venture off for a weekend or even a holiday on their own.
This all too often ends in rather nasty ‘domestics’ when she returns and the following few weeks can be quite unbearable sleeping in the spare bed and generally avoiding low flying saucepans.

For this purpose, I write this article in the hope it will bring about more understanding and lead to a more peaceful and respectful household.

The Microwave, Kettle and Toaster
I’ve put these first because they are probably the only three things we use when the wife is away. However, there are a few guidelines;
Microwaves don’t like plates with those silver or gold design bits around the edges. The lightning flashes you see in the microwave window are not part of the cooking process. It is therefore necessary to keep that window clean (use cloth).
The Toaster should not be used for toasted sandwiches. There are special machines which do that, albeit you have to wash them up afterwards.

The Washing Machine
This is the big white thing with the round window usually found in the vicinity of the Sink Unit and should not be mistaken for the Dishwasher which serves a different purpose.
Care should be taken if you dare to use it that your Cat is not asleep inside. If it is, I recommend a cool wash of about 40 degrees.

The Sink Unit
This is probably the most diverse piece of furniture in the Kitchen. In the space underneath you will find things you never knew were there or things you never knew existed, such as Cleaners and things.
If you lost your favourite hammer in 1997, this could be where it is.
Watch out for mouse droppings. These are little brown things which look like Breakfast Cereal. If they are big, you’ve got a Badger getting in.
Make sure you use the right spray for various jobs. These are usually marked with words like ‘Furniture Polish’, ‘Air Freshener’ and ‘Toilet Spray’. THEY ARE NOT DEODORANTS.

The Dishwasher
As above, ensure you are using the right machine. Washing Machines and Dishwashers can be easily mistaken for each other. Use the wrong one and you could end up down at Argos – and for a bloke to go in there on his own is quite embarrassing to say the least.
Tip – Empty the ashtrays before putting them in.

The Oven
The best way of looking at this is – don’t use it. Telephones have a habit of ringing at the wrong time and men don’t have brains which think about the time you’re meeting your friend down the Pub and the cooking both at the same time.
If you should feel confident enough to use one, the best symptom for knowing when the food is cooked is when you have to open every window in the house to allow the smoke out.
Before this though, you normally see the cats running outside.

Saucepans, Plates, Cups and Cutlery
See finding them as a kind of game or even a personal challenge. Like you know where every Gadget Magazine is in the house, your wife will know the same about the accessories.
A good idea is to just go down the Supermarket and purchase a load of paper plates and plastic cutlery, chucking them after every meal.
This also saves time finding where the Washing Up Liquid is (normally on the window sill).

The Fridge/Freezer
The Fridge is the cold part and the freezer is the very cold part. Beers are best in the Fridge where the milks supposed to go.
And in the freezer, if the food is rock hard – it’s supposed to be

The Cupboard
This is where the Hoover usually is. With a bit of luck you’ll only have to use it should you break anything, but as there is a strong possibility of that, I’d better explain.
Don’t use the attachments, you’ll end up looking like those Actors in ‘Ghostbusters’ and probably end up in A & E falling over the cable on the Staircase.
The good news is that by turning it on, every pet in the house will exit to the garden quite speedily.

Other than that, it’s quite straightforward really. Personally, I go down the Pub and eat there, but if you do, throw some of the food away from the Fridge so it looks like you’ve done everything