Now, after years of practical experience, I can disclose a cunning plan by all local Authoritie’s on whose roads I choose to drive upon.

It would appear they have invented a silent and invisible webcam which flies approximately 300 meters ahead of my car on open roads and 30 meters in towns.
As soon as they see me approaching a Traffic Light, they fall over themselves to change the existing green light to amber.
For instance, to get back on the A28 from Tesco’s on the A20, I have to manouvre my way around the M20 Junction 10 brand new ‘improved’ traffic lights. There are 5 in all and each has it’s own little lifestyle and sense of humour.

I’m sure you know where I’m coming from. The cars on the left have been signalled ahead, but all get stuck in no man’s land because the one two signals on isn’t sequenced with the third and you don’t move atall.

Ashford Town Centre’s new one way system and traffic signalling has had great benefits to cat’s wishing to cross the road, they’d never get hit at the speeds the car’s go! In fact, on a cold day they could get quite cosy sitting on the bonnet above the slowly overheating engine.
What was a 0.3 mile 2 minute drive is now a 0.9 mile journey and the quickest I’ve done it in is 6 minutes (off peak).

But, besides all that – there’s the Road Work lights system. They always change just as you’re approaching them and you are the first in the queue for ‘the off’. The lights go red / amber, to green and away you go. NO, because there are still about 6 cars coming at you after skipping the red light at the other end.

You can always tell they have because if you watch the driver, they always glance in their mirror to see if they got away with it or not.

I prefer the manual one’s operated by those chaps with a HV chucked over their shoulders, roll-up in their mouth and a sense of sorting out the status situation.
Given the option between letting me go in my old Fiat Cinquecento and the person sitting in the muddy (probably put there to look good) 4 x 4 and there’s no contest. I get the go ahead everytime. EXCEPT of course if I’m the only car on the road and he stands there looking at the watch to ensure the imaginery car which could come along the other way does actually appear at some stage.

Last but not least are the pedestrian crossing one’s which are invariably set off by some passing pretence of a teenager with a Burger in his mouth and a can of Coke if he hasn’t just chucked it over someone’s fence. You feel like driving slowly past him and saying some expletives. But this will do no good because he’s got his £200 iPod turned on at volume level 9 out of 10 and he probably wouldn’t understand you anyway.

Should you feel a little at home with this article – beware. The last time I let it get seriously on top of me I saw the flash go off on the speed camera. Luckily for me it either didn’t work or I was driving so fast that it got the car coming in the opposite direction doing 28mph.

My theory on the new million’s of pounds road system in Ashford is that the whole Council have decided to move to a community on a Scottish Island and simply watch the live traffic cams on the Internet and enjoy their retirement.

Beside that, I quite enjoy driving !

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