I have been an avid watcher of all the Apprentice episodes in all the series and after seeing some of the Candidates, I reckon I would have a pretty good chance of being Sir Alan Sugars next choice.

Here are my main credentials.

1. I have one of his Digi Boxes.

2. He wouldn’t have to worry about me taking time off for the Dentist, because I haven’t any teeth.

3. I am a natural motivator, especially when it’s time for bed.

4. He doesn’t have to worry about a Company Car or huge Petrol allowances, because I’d use my Bus Pass.

5. I am an expert in Profit & Loss. I can turn a £100 profit into a £200 loss in a matter of hours.

6. I am an excellant Team Member. Pub Quiz nights are my speciality.

7. He doesn’t have to worry about any relationships. I haven’t had one for so long, I’d need an Instruction Manual.

8. I thrive in a efficient workplace environment. The Bank Staff are really spot on in sending out the overdraft charges.

9. I support Southampton FC, so this would give Sir Alan a good laugh on a Monday morning.

10. I can spot Staff Weaknesses well. It’s No.2 For Coffee with Sugar and No.3 for Hot Chocolate.

So there you have it. Add to the above little things like he’s only got to worry about a Private Pension for four and a half years, the lights in his Office will not reflect off any hair gel and his Carrots, because I can supply ample Chicken dropping manure for the rest of his life.

Anyway, I don’t really mind not being in the final qualifiers. I’m quite happy sitting on my Sofa attempting with great patience not to throw a brick at the TV whilst some youngster holds a Pen asking what’s it for, whilst another one has problems working out 10% of £1 and the inevitable Candidate who wants ten Meetings before deciding if he wants to go to the Toilet or not.

The Apprentice is on BBC1, Wednesdays. Why is it, althought it’s supposed to be around May when we see it, they’re all walking around in shirt sleeves and bright hot sunshine ?

Just one final thing. Why do all the women want blokes who’ve lost their Electric Shavers, hardly ever smile, can’t Cook and often tell huge porkies to win?

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